A Harry Dresden Rap: Storm Front
by 0er0
Summary: Harry's Dresden takes a look at his life and relives past experiences. A parody summary of the first book. Rated M for strong language and be warned for spoilers.


0er0

A Harry Dresden Rap: Storm Front

[Hip hop music and a slow motion scene of Dresden being shot off of a dirty boat on the pier. He's got a bandana on and a golden pentagram around his neck as bling. He sinks slow into the water as his spirit rises out of the water.]

Where'm I at layin down with a chunk of lead.  
Kinda wonder how exactly I end up dead.  
Getting dressed goin out to see my bitch.  
Five seconds I'm shot, floatin like I'm in a ditch.

I got gangs, rappers, all sorts who bother me  
It could be anybody: Black Council, Cowl or Nicky-D  
But ain't too many who could have me dead in the sea  
I've been shot to death and my body's on the shore  
If I ain't alive I can't play detective no more!

I'm a ghost  
I'm a ghost  
I'm a ghost

Rewind a dozen books and find me on the scene  
Chillin in my dirty place just being serene.  
But a wizard can't catch a break this world is mean  
If you study loser at college well I'm the f***ing dean!

So someone calls me up, I go and race  
To the scene of a crime where there's a blonde in my face  
"Dresden." She says with a glare in her eye  
She don't know yet, this wizard's her guy

But I'm ghost!  
Yeah I'm a ghost!  
Shit I'm a ghost!

So I take look around the sexy crib  
Damn this guy's heart is pokin out of his rib!  
It exploded!  
It overloaded!  
Gross and bloated  
Sexy moment eroded.

"Dark magic" I said knowin this shit.  
This ain't no accident girl, "This guy got hit."  
"Find who did it." No need for her to shout.  
No worries to her ain't nothing I don't figure out!  
Except who killed me!

I'm a ghost!  
I'm a ghost!

My knowledge and my skills I hone  
Just call up this guy on the phone  
A crime lord, dirty scumbag, Gentleman Jonny Marcone  
He's on my shitlist and in my zone  
He comes to me tries to scare me with a "rawr"  
His goon looks my way and says "Get in the damned car."

Dirty looks, dirty hands and dirty way of life  
He tells me to do nothing, settle down and go look for a wife  
"I'm a wizard! I'm a gangsta! I don't bow to no man!  
I killed way tougher than you! I spit in demigod faces and ran!"

I'm a ghost!  
I'm a ghost!  
Still in book 1 bitch!

Some lady shows up at my door and at my place  
She's got a job for me to do and I'm her pocket ace  
She needs me go and take a look around a lake  
She's got money in her hands I can't fake  
I need the work! I need them thrills! I got them bills!  
So I take the job and I start feelin the chills.

I look around the lake and grab a faerie named "Toot"  
That's when Warden Morgan comes to put my ass in his boot.  
Ain't every day I know, I had trouble with the law!  
The White Council could kill me if even they once had saw  
A single thing, one tiny problem or one little mistake  
I get in any trouble and my head they will take

"Man! I ain't doing no wrong. So back your shit off of me and untwist your thong!"  
He took a swing! He punched me! Shit this guy was strong!  
I could tell you the pain, but got no time in this song!  
He thinks I'm a warlock, but damn he's wrong!  
He thinks I'm up to something sick, what a jerk!  
Damn this guy is thick! Well I'm off to work!

I'm a ghost!  
I'm a ghost!  
I'm! I'm! I'm! A ghost!

Potions are tight, you don't learn about in school  
Combine the right elements and follow the rule  
Mix everything together and make your enemy a fool  
A knock at the door? It's a girl that makes me drool.  
It's Susan, a hot writer and a jewel  
Bad for me. This girl knows how to make me her tool

Did I tell you I'm a ghost?!  
I'm a ghost!  
I'm a gho-Gho-Guh-Ghost!

What's this demon doing at my door!  
Can't you see I'm busy with a naked chick on my floor!  
He don't care, he just busts on in!  
I'm trying to stay safe, while Susan tries to make me sin!  
A woman and her body? Hell they know how to vex!  
Put me in a protection circle and offer me sex!

I gotta get out, I gotta split, I gotta roll  
I gotta get me some help from my buddy: Bob the Skull  
"Thanks for the potion!" Is all I can say  
While Bob takes a hike and leaves me to die... how gay.  
The demon ain't no Robin Williams, it doesn't joke  
It hunts me down and my throat it'll choke.  
Lightning! Lightning! I'll call down lightning and it'll smoke!

It smoked!

A demon? A threat? An attempt on my life!  
Someone looking for me and causing mortal strife!  
I'm gonna find this warlock and you know what I'll say?  
"I'll put a bullet in your ass, it's Dresden's way!"  
I brought my gun today!

I find me that lady, I needed a lead. I needed to win!  
Else my ass will burn and I ain't given in!  
If I don't find no one I know who the dead one will be.  
If I don't find the real warlock, Morgan will blame me!  
"Where's he at?! Where's he at?! Where's he at?!"  
"I'll tell him how I feel with the sound of a gat!"

I'll track him down. Sooner not later.  
But before I get to him, I crush scorpion with an elevator!  
Damn I'm fly! But I got a cut on my leg!  
I can't talk to no cops I got no time to drink a keg!  
Too tired to go upstairs and I got to drive so far.  
But how many gansta drive a beetle for a car?  
Yeah man.. a beetle.

I forgot I'm a ghost!  
I'm a ghost!  
… when'd that happen?

I find the house! I find the man! I find the perk!  
He's the one, he's the man, he's the jerk!  
He's been selling drugs, he's been killin and rippin  
He's got two naked people at his home who are trippin  
"Man! You're him! You're the wizard I reckon!"  
"Well Mr. Dresden I use sex as a weapon!"  
Holy shit! Lust powered spell?!  
Ain't no doubt in my mind who's going to hell!  
I gotta kill this man and put a end to his tactics  
It made it harder when naked people shoot at me with automatics

I had to stop him and put an end to his drama  
Else he keeps doing all his kill-o'ramma  
I'm a wizard!  
I know magic!  
The won't be tragic!

Do you know what happens when cross me in my town?  
I burn your f***ing house down!  
F***ing down!  
But with this thought, I made one tiny mistake.  
I trapped inside a house the fire will take!  
Every ounce of my life and I'm full of regret.  
I get carried of house, when I forget!

A warden saved! He pulled me out!  
Why did he do that? I'm full of doubt!  
I know it's his job to lay down the law.  
But the council is full of flaw.  
They still don't trust me, they think I'll go wrong!  
They doubt too much, they don't know I'm strong!

I'm a ghost!  
I'm a ghost?  
How long till we get to that?

Things wrap up, I'm done with the fight.  
Susan can do her thing, she has a story to write.  
All the shit is done and this you embrace!  
If you see supernatural shit I'm on the case!  
I got a long life and more than one stunt!  
My problems are just beginning and they start with Storm Front!

XXX

[Thank you for reading. Comment your thoughts if this got a smile out of you.]


End file.
